Time for Transparency!

"Oh God, you are my God; early will I seek you: my soul is thirsty for you, my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there isn't any water!"

Ok, I think I'm going to be real honest and transparent about what God's been working in my heart lately...don't judge me. Maybe it will help you in some way. I'll back up a little before I start the good stuff:)

Through some different circumstances that are too long to include in this post, I have realized that I want NOTHING more than to be a woman that exemplifies the nature of God. My ultimate heart's desire is for people to see God in me...His tenderness, His patience, His peace, His POWER, His grace, and His love for others. Seriously, this is what I want. Now, herein lies the problem. I'm not living it. Now you might say, "Yes you are. You are such a kind person," to which I would respond, "When was the last time you saw my heart." I can be such a snob in my mind sometimes. I don't know what makes it happen. It's like one minute I'm talking to someone and the next minute I'm wondering why I'm thinking that their ideas (actions, beliefs, words, etc.) are not as good as mine. Where does that come from??? Then I spend a good few minutes trying to talk to myself in my head while the other person is talking. The mental conversation goes something like this, "Get control of yourself Lesli. You are such a snob. You are not perfect, nor are you right all of the time." Even when I do this, I sometimes will still find myself thinking the same snobbish thoughts later that day/week/etc.

You can see my problem. I seriously want to radiate Christ, but my mind and heart are just not there yet. I've been praying about this for a while and here's what I think the Holy Spirit has shown me. I need my soul and my flesh to long and thirst for God, just as the ground thirsts for rain in drought. I can't just want this and then long for a better house or more land so I have have farm animals (another post for another day). I can't want to radiate God and then long for more time to spend with my kids. I can't want the Holy Spirit to speak through me all day and then long for material things. I need to LONG for God, for His word, and for the Holy Spirit's power in my life. Then and only then will I be able to kick out this snob that decides to live in me at times and radiate Christ to the world. So, it seems like a pretty big job, but last I checked, we serve a pretty big God! I'll let you know how it goes!